a mother’s daughter {the girl I once was}

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The girl I once was is the daughter of a fiery Polish woman. That girl arrived at each ballet recital, band practice and volleyball game with her head held high and left the same way because that is what she was taught. She was wild at heart and asked too many questions.

The girl I once was looked a lot like my daddy and had my mother’s personality. Her imagination was endless. And so were her words.

I’ve thought a lot about that girl recently. The girl I was in this picture. And the woman holding me. In that photograph is the girl I once was. And the mother I loved and lost. And the story of us captured in a single moment.

To understand me better you have to understand who she was. My mother was born in New York in 1958 to a woman who dealt with manic depression and emotional detachment issues. Her mother was emotionally abusive. I saw it myself once. And it rattled me. That encounter also told me that this woman and my mother didn’t have much in common. You see, I found an old journal of my moms recently. She wrote letters to me when I was still a baby. She wrote about how she worked hard to break the cycle of women in her family shaming their daughters. She wanted her relationship with me to be different. She wanted me to feel loved, supported and encouraged in all that I did. My mother found the strength from within to be an example to me in a way that she had to create. It wasn’t something that was modeled to her.

Fourteen years ago she suddenly passed away and every single day since she has held a special place in my heart and is on my mind constantly. When she died, I feel like I lost a piece of who I am. But as I grieve the girl I was, I also continue on, striving to become more and more the woman I am meant to me.

I’m the woman I am today because of her. I’m fiery, stubborn, creative, passionate, a mama bear if you mess with my family. I’m a dreamer and I thrive when others are thriving. So much of who I am is who she was.

And one day when I have my own daughter I will tell stories about her grandmother, I’ll be honored to say that the woman she was and the woman I am now (and becoming more and more of each day) are similar in countless ways.

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This story is part of Story Sessions community linkup of The Women We Once Were. Join us in celebrating our voices today, on International Women’s Day at  http://www.thestorysessions.com/blog/reclaimingourgirls

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11 thoughts on “a mother’s daughter {the girl I once was}

  1. Em Miller says:

    Cheers to the fiery Polish mothers! I have one, too, and I am everything I am because of her. :)

  2. craykray says:

    Your mother sounds like an incredible woman. Thanks for sharing!

  3. rachel lee says:

    this is an absolutely inspiring tribute. your daughter is blessed to have a grandmother who she will know without ever meeting on this earth. precious, precious words.

  4. bethanypaget says:

    Oh sweet Kara how I understand the plight of your mother. But I see the fiery, wise cracking, f bomb dropping and inncredibly loving woman she raised.
    You may not hold all your mother’s mother’s qualities but you so hold her tenacious spirit to be something different than what was handed to her.
    I love you with a big time fat kisses love

  5. This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing it with us, Kara.

  6. grace Nathan says:

    I love that your mother instilled such confidence in you when she was around. You have your own powerful strength, and I know she must be so happy and proud.

  7. Anna Blanch says:

    How moving. I am glad you have those letters, Kara. Your mother would be exceedingly proud of you. I know that I am proud to know you.

  8. adelaj says:

    What an amazing memory to have of your mother. Thank you for sharing such a treasure with us.

  9. what a gift she gave you. i have always wondered what it is that you have, that confidence in your wildness, that seems a far off dream to me. thank you for sharing this glimpse of your story, and oh, how lucky your daughter will be one day when she has you for a mother.

  10. melindaruth says:

    I love this, so very much. Thank you for a glimpse of YOU.

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