talking while drinking

I vaguely recall those nights — drunk as the wind, regaling a sober friend with ridiculously enthusiastic opinions about inane topics. My self awareness was blinded by a chemical confidence telling me that I’m incredibly interesting. My sounding board was forced to smile and agree, all the while hatching a social escape plan. Now that I find myself more often than not being the sober one, and yet still frequently in that conversation electric chair, I feel qualified to provide a few tips to drinkers.

If you’re drunk, and talking to someone who isn’t, and you haven’t the heart (or awareness) to cut them loose, you can at least avoid any statements that start with the following:

  1. Oh my God, you have to try these brownies. They are honestly the …
  2. You have to understand that this girl was my ABSOLUTE BEST friend when I was in 3rd grade until she….
  3. Ok. So get this: Sometimes I have dreams that I own a tiger but it’s gentle like a house cat …
  4. My kindergarten teacher was …
  5. You know what it is about you? It’s something about your …
  6. I was a really good swimmer when I was a kid …
  7. I miss my dog. He was such …
  8. You should really …
  9. So, like what does organic even mean anymore? I mean if …
  10. I know you think I’m drunk and talking too much, but …
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