I woke up, eyes sore. I knew I had cried myself to sleep. Again. I drag myself out of bed and into the bathroom. I take one quick look in the mirror. Holy crap I look terrible! I mean is it actually possible that I was hit by a Mack truck and then was able to crawl into bed last night?? Geez. This. Is. Bad.
The first words out of my mouth are “God, I’m mad at you today. I mean really pissed! And not just because I have to wear extra concealer and not look like I was in a street fight recently. You’re not giving me what I want and I need you to know IT SUCKS. And I blame you when I’m feeling unhappy. You might not want to talk to me today ok? No more promises you can’t keep alright?”
And this is how the day continued for me. As many other days have before.
I read through Psalms and time after time I see the author lamenting with God.
Why have you forsaken me? (translation: Helloooo? Are you even listening today?? Should I speak louder God??)
Have you forgotten me?
Why are so far from saving me, so far from the words of my groaning?
So I began my own lament recently.
How long Lord will it be like this? You’ve given me these desires, now what? Why do I have to wrestle with this same person over and over? Do you even care? Is this what your love looks like for me? Why have you restored so much in my life except THAT ONE THING?? Am I am even ready to receive what you want for me? How do I keep daily trusting when my heart and mind have built up so much evidence to the lie that I’m not worth a full life?
Jesus, I want a more authentic relationship.
I. Want. More.
To doubt, I believe, is part of this spiritual journey and the long road in following Jesus. Faith and doubt. Love and fear. I feel like I’m always in the middle of the fence just waiting to fall to one side or the other. It all depends on my current circumstances.
And that’s exactly where He meets me. Smack dab in the midst of my brokenness, my mess, my whining and complaining. I hear this faint whisper speaking the words “dear child, I am still here. You are loved.”
And then, THEN, a moment of light comes shining through. That glimmer of hope. That moment when the sun is just below the horizon, about to burst through and bring daylight and a new morning to the darkness. It’s something called civil twilight. It’s something I know I’m about to experience…
“And then, something happened. I let go. Lost in oblivion. Dark and silent and complete. I found freedom. Losing all hope was freedom.”
To be continued…