never say this on a first date…


I love my friends. And I love Twitter. So when friends send me funny things they find on Twitter it’s a very good thing.

Here are actual lines used on first dates, although they probably should not have been. (now that I think about it, is there really an appropriate time to say any of these things?)



My ex said she liked the dress you had on before I came over so we need to be aware. She’s out here somewhere.

This is my mama’s car but I can get it whenever I want. 

Oh that? That’s just my wedding ring.

You didn’t catch last night’s “To Catch a Predator” did you? No? OK, good.

Hold my gun while I go to the bathroom.

This was my ex’s favorite restaurant 

Whoa. Cool alley.

I know I just met you but I think I am in love. No, seriously.

Those aren’t real, are they?

I don’t usually smell like this.

It’s just nice to be out with someone who’s not my mom.

What? You’re too good to ride in a garbage truck?

We might have to end this early. The last bus back to my neighbor hood is at 8:00.

You Wanna See Where I Got Stabbed??

Yeah, I’m able to go around elementary schools now.

If I knew it was gonna take this long to be seated for dinner I could’ve taken a shower before I showed up.

Nice haircut! We used to do something like that with my mom’s poodle.

It’s amazing how much those police artist sketches sometimes look like me.

Sorry I’m late. If anyone asks, especially the cops, I was here 15 minutes ago, okay?

Can you not talk so much? I have a low tolerance for tedious conversation.

Can you go to a funeral with me?

Did you let your daughter put your make up on?

I don’t have a job but that doesn’t mean I don’t have a steady income…I mean, I do get disability so…

You remind me of my oldest son.

I mean, I plan on finishing high school one day.

You looked better on Facebook.

So….I hope you like kids. I have seven. I’m very fertile.

We’ve had such a great relationship right? Remember when I picked you up 5 minutes ago? Ohh memories!

Excuse me again. My cat has to hear my voice on the machine every hour otherwise he gets upset.




One thought on “never say this on a first date…

  1. Wolf's Ink says:

    #3 to last is hilarious XD

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