It all started with an effen Wham song. Ok, I guess it’s technically just George Michael but still…this was weird.
Last week I was in a place of fear and sadness. I turned on the radio and a few minutes later I hear the words “all we have to do is take these lies and make them truth somehow.” I stopped what I was doing and fell apart. Tears streaming down my face, hands in the air, worshipping God…all while singing along to Freedom ’90. I guess God does work in mysterious ways.
That phrase as well as a few others continued to haunt me for a week.
Taking lies and making them truth somehow…
There’s something deep inside of me. There’s someone else I’ve got to be.
May not be what you want from me. Just the way it’s got to be.
And then I was part of something very simple last night. Something simple yet beautiful. I engaged in a conversation. I was able to give encouragement and hope to my friends. And in turn I received a blessing from them. A blessing to practice love freely. To freely be who I am.
On my way home, I realized: this is what it’s suppose to look like!! Give and take. Giving and receiving within community. Not one person doing all the work. No laziness. No excuses. Just truth and love and the desire to come alongside each other to rejoice or suffer with them.
This morning I woke up and immediately heard God whisper “are you loved?”
Why yes, I am!
He then asked “are you practicing that currently?”
Yep, I’m trying pretty damn hard to practice giving and receiving love.
Then He said “leave every place where you can’t practice love. Leave everyone who is unwilling to practice with you.”
I sighed. Yeah I knew that was coming. My intuition had told me that a few days go and I ignored it.
But I couldn’t hide any more. Not if I was choosing to live out the promises God has given me and the commitments I have made to myself. I had a couple of phone calls to make. A few short emails to write. One difficult face to face meeting. Sadness turned to anger that then turned into resolve. The practice of loving myself is not easy but I’m convinced I can’t fully accept His love or love others completely if I don’t make sure I am loved, in all I do.
Ending friendships in a healthy way is a new experience for me. And all I can say is that it sucks.
Leaving places in my life where I know fear resides is difficult because it provided comfort (even if now I can see that it was false security).
So I’m currently emotionally drained. I’m tired. But I am now free, no longer held back by anything or anyone.
I’m resting in a space of complete love.
No more fear.
No more apathy.
No more believing lies.
And I wouldn’t have it any other way.