I had someone tell me recently to allow for a revolving door in my life. My initial response was NO! That’s crazy!
I’m probably one of the most extroverted introverts you’ll ever meet but at my core it still takes time for me to feel comfortable around someone and share my heart. I put an extremely high value on the people I love and live life with. I love deeply and endlessly care for my friends and family. I hate saying goodbye and I have a hard time thinking about major change in my life. As much as I welcome new beginnings I realize often times that means the end to something. Or someone.
There are two people I have been extremely vulnerable with this year. They know things about me no one else does. One began a new life adventure earlier this month. She is now living far away and the possibilities of any communication including email is limited for a long time. There’s no bitterness or anger. A little sadness for sure. And the realization that things will be different. Life is happening, good things are going on in each of our lives but there’s this sense that the door is swinging around and she just walked out. The other person I quickly see bailing out at the next opportunity he gets. I hate it. And I can’t do anything to stop it. Our friendship has taken a quick turn lately and without one major incident causing it. I think its been a series of small events. We both were very different people just months ago. But I’ve been getting this funny sense over the past few days that I should just push him out the doors. Maybe that’s the way its suppose to be for now.
I’m finding myself upset that when I get close to people, when I am vulnerable in new ways, sometimes they don’t stay. Sometimes they walk away. And other times I have to choose for one reason or another to walk away from them.
What I’m finding is that I have tried to hold on too tightly to everything and everyone.
Whenever I say I don’t want to allow something to vanish from my life, or tell someone they can’t walk away from me I realize that it’s not really in my control. I should to some degree allow for the revolving door.
I spent years guarding my heart so much that no one could get in. And then I began to see how much I need and desire intimacy and community. I’m still trying to find a balance between protecting my heart and dignity yet being vulnerable and transparent.
At this moment there’s a part of me that still fears the revolving door. I never liked them as a child. You walk in quickly because you don’t want to get hit by the door and then you quickly jump out in the same fashion. No one stays in the door just going round and round do they? But that’s how I feel some days. Like I’m standing inside and watching people walk in and walk out. Never knowing at what point they’ll come and go. For so long this has terrified me. I’m slowly trying to work on this fear and allow for whatever is supposed to happen, to just happen. Because the truth is the only thing I can really control is myself. People will come in and out of my life freely no matter what I do or say. Anything and everything I put value in can vanish and reappear at any moment. I can only breathe and decide how I’ll be affected. And things keep spinning round and round and round…..
How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard!