The following post was written by a close friend of mine. She has asked to remain anonymous in order to protect her family. I can tell you that this woman has a deep desire to see God’s creation (including His people) come to be redeemed and restored. I am honored to call her my friend.
Abortion is a difficult topic for most people to discuss. There are immediate dividing lines placed between the religious, the politically focused, conservatives and liberals. But as a woman I find myself in these conversations and wonder if anyone really knows what abortion looks like. What it sounds like. The smells that are burned into your nostrils. The countless unnamed lives that are suddenly taken.
I am a murderer. I took a life. I was now destined to burn in hell for all eternity. At least that’s what my pastor told me.
I had an abortion in my early twenties and the pain of this experience will forever haunt me. When I became pregnant I was a sophomore in college and scared of disappointing my parents who were paying for my Ivy League education. I remember walking into the abortion clinic alone and scared. I grew up in a very religious household and knew the decision I was making would never be understood or accepted by my family. I walked out of the clinic later that day still full of fear and instantly feeling regret and guilt.
Nearly two years later I found myself in the same situation. I was a recent college graduate, this time living with my boyfriend of over a year. The problem was he didn’t want children. We weren’t prepared for this and I didn’t want to raise my baby alone. I researched adoption but couldn’t see how I could go through a pregnancy only to give my child away. Again I chose death instead of life. This time I waited too long. Legally I was in the last week the law would allow me to have an abortion. At 20 weeks my baby’s hair and nails had already begun to grow. Her limbs were well developed too. I say her because at my abortion appointment they did an ultrasound and was told it was a girl for the first time. As I waited for the doctor to come into the room, I began to cry and question if I was doing the right thing. Just before the doctor walked in, I felt it. She kicked me. My baby moved. That was all I needed to convince me that what I was doing was wrong. I walked out of the clinic that day afraid but aware this child needed a chance at life.
Today I have a beautiful daughter who I could never imagine my life without. I also have a loving, Godly husband and two sons Jesus has blessed me with. I still feel sadness when I think of the baby I chose to abort years ago. When people ask me how many children I have I respond with three but my heart screams four. As a woman who has dealt with crisis pregnancies and the painful decision of abortion I empathize with others in a similar situation. I would ask those women to think of life. No matter how difficult you always have options. A life is a precious thing. A life should never be wasted. Every child should be given the opportunity to become something great; to experience love and seek God in their life.
For those who condemn women like myself I want you to know that yes I am regretful of my decision but I seek forgiveness from God alone. I carry a heavy weight at times but I am also free from oppression because of my belief in Christ’s overwhelming love and mercy. Love these women. Embrace these women. Help them seek restoration instead of judging and forcing them into further isolation. We all have things we wish we could change or choose differently. I don’t shy away from the topic of abortion just because it’s uncomfortable. I’m no different from you. I’m a daughter of the Almighty King who loves and seeks grace every morning.