There are days that I miss my mother terribly. It’s been over 11 years since she died and most days I think about her with joy and remember all the great conversations and moments we shared. But then there are times like today that sadness and grief overwhelm me. I am reminded of all that she has missed over the past eleven years and everything else she won’t be a part of in my future.
Satan is good at what he does. He takes opportunities like this to tempt me to be bitter, angry and scared. I often think about the man who killed my mother. I forgave him years ago but in this moment I can’t help but want to seek revenge for myself and for my family. I don’t always trust that God is a just and all-knowing Savior. I chose to walk away from three unhealthy friendships/relationships over the last few days which seems to be adding to my sadness today. All three would normally be people I would call upon for comfort and encouragement. I didn’t go to church this morning because I couldn’t watch all the mothers holding hands with their daughters. The thought alone overwhelmed me.
But I desire more than grief and sadness for myself. I want to stop wishing this day would end and embrace the sadness and celebrate the amazing life my mother lived. I need Jesus to comfort me. I get that He understands my sadness. He embraces my pain. He seeks to restore what has been broken and heal my deepest of wounds. I hear all of that but honestly I just don’t feel it right now.
Today I want to feel sustained just by the knowledge that I’m not alone. Jesus is right here next to me right?