[This is a continuation of my thoughts from Friday’s post]
Holy Fire burn away,
My desire for anything
That is not of you and is of me.
I want more of you and less of me.
Last weekend I experienced fear and brokenness. I was faced with all the lies I’ve ever believed about myself and all the unhealthy ways I have tried to find my identity and value. I had to acknowledge how my own actions have led to this uncomfortable space I am in. I rediscovered that my identity lies in Christ alone. My value is that of being a vital part of His kingdom and family. I need not look to anything or anyone else again for this. Dignity is defined as the quality of being worthy of esteem or respect. Insuring that my dignity is held as sacred has been something I haven’t done in a long time, possibly ever in the fullest and healthiest of ways. I believe with dignity comes strength. And I have definitely given into weaknesses time and time again. I haven’t been consistently strong.
Recently I declared,
I am loved.
I am worth fighting for.
I will be respected.
My dignity must be held as something valuable.
And now everything I do, every relationship and every situation I participate in, I must make sure I am living out these declarations. When it comes to a romantic relationship specifically, I am confident God wants to give me the desires of my heart as long as I am staying focused on Him and inviting Him to lead me. I have to trust what he’s telling me, what He’s leading toward and what He asking me to walk away from. It’s not just the act of sex that I have missed. For possibly the first time ever, I have the desire for more. I want to create intimacy with someone (which includes both physical and emotional). I desire a God centered and God directed relationship with a man. I desire to journey together through the joys and struggles of life, hand in hand. I desire to dream with and for each other. I desire to encourage and challenge someone and have him do the same for me. I desire touch, affection and a playfulness that is reserved just for each other. I desire complete intimacy- physically, spiritually and emotionally. And I believe that it’s entirely possible to search for this with someone, while making sure my dignity isn’t destroyed or abused. I believe God desires all the same things for me, it just comes down to His timing. I don’t want to fear the future or complain about what I don’t have. I’m living my life rooted in love, hope and truth.
She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future. Proverbs 31:25