seek first

“For I know the plans I have for you, declare Jehovah, plans for welfare and not for calamity to give a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.”

I remember growing up, in high school youth group hearing these words spoken by the pastor many times. I was willing to believe about half of the verse at the time. The part that I questioned for so long has been, when we go and pray to Him, He says He’ll listen. I’ve called bullshit on that one many times.

Lord, I AM SPEAKING TO YOU! WHY are you not listening?!?

But then just days ago I read through the entire verse again and understood the last sentence like never before. Only when I seek Him with all of my heart, with all that I am, I will find Him. He will answer.

Over the past few months I have ask God to reveal His will for my life. To take what He needs from me, bless what I already have, break my selfish desires and ways that led me away from Him and give me the things He desires for my life. But over and over I’ve failed. I’ve chosen to seek after anyone and anything else but Him. And each time I go crawling back to Him, taking time to feel loved and renewed and then I head back out on my way without Him. It’s sickening really.

What I’ve discovered is that I must delight in Him alone. Nothing else. No one else. Psalm 37 says Take delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Sounds simple enough right? I’m learning before I delight in Him, I have to seek Him, long to know and understand Him more; sit at His feet and feel fully sustained and satisfied in His presence. “But seek FIRST his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” So seeking his kingdom, his will, his ways first is the way to go huh? Damn, it’s only taken me 28 years to get that, but here I am, finding a new truth and choosing to listen.

As I dig into Scripture a bit more I find more truths that will help me as I begin to seek after God and delight in Him alone.

Therefore be careful how you walk, not as the unwise, but the wise, making the most of your time.

But this is My Father glorified, that you bear much fruit, and so prove to be my disciples.

If anyone wishes to come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wishes to save his soul will lose it, but whoever loses his soul for My sake will find it.

Wow. If I lose my soul, what I believe I want for myself, everything I keep controlling, the deepest longings of my heart…then I will gain something. Something wonderful. Something far better than what I had before.

So today, as I did yesterday and I’m sure I’ll do again and again, I am releasing my grip on my own life. I am ready to lose myself in order to gain the full life that comes from seeking after Him.

I release my desire to be married.

I release my desire to be a mother.

I release my hope in seeing my art business become successful.

I release the ways I wish to see healing in my own heart and those around me.

I release my need for comfort in temporary things.

I release my pride, lust, envy, anger and fear.

Jesus, take me, bless me and break me. I want to seek after you.


2 thoughts on “seek first

  1. raquela1 says:

    Your statements of what you are releasing caused an emotional response for me…totally in tears. I love it. Those are really big statements and it just goes to show you really mean it–I’m so excited for you. I continue to release similar things in my life and every day I gain a greater sense of freedom. You go girl! : )

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