(This post is a continuation of my thoughts from yesterday. You should probably read part one if you haven’t already.)
So I wake up to find myself in this continuous cycle- ruin, restoration, ruin, restoration. Is this what the life of a Christ follower is? To continually, at all times, each and every effing day having to “die to self” and live in Him? I believe it is. Ugh………..
Just when I think I’ve gained wisdom and I’m coasting along it’s as if God slows me down and whispers “You know you’re still really messed up, don’t you? There’s still a lot of work to do.” For several weeks now I’ve been faced with what needs to change I just keep battling Him on the how and why of it all.
As I continue to read through the story in John 4 I am once again faced with the knowledge that I am no different from this Samaritan woman. She has a deep need that she has chosen to fill in various ways. Her need I believe is that of love. Unconditional and unending love. Isn’t that a basic human need? To give and receive love? But we take the idea of love and destroy it. We manipulate it until we get what we think it should look like. We cheapen what God has given us. We choose lust over love.
We look to everything and everyone else for love but the one who created it.
God keeps tenderly whispering to me “Am I not enough for you?”
Some days He is. But most days (lately) He’s not. I know of God’s love, I hear His words, I know His voice but I don’t always experience Him. There’s a disconnect of sorts. Last year I took a three day retreat with God. It was an amazing time to rest in His presence and let go of all distractions. But as nice as that vacation was, it’s not reality. I allow too many distractions to get in the way of seeing and experiencing His goodness and love, hence my fast from music and sex during Lent. When someone else, when another’s words are more comforting to my soul than my Savior, there’s something very wrong.
I sat in meditation this morning crying out to Him. I want Jesus to be the first one I go to for comfort, love, security and peace. I don’t want to accept anything temporary. I want what He has promised us “whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst.” I’m tired of running to the well. I’m flat-out exhausted. I can’t continue living day to day wondering when and how my thirst for life, my need for love will be satisfied. My search for living water always leads me back to the true source. It leads me back to Him. I stand before a loving and gracious God who is relentless and wild in His love for me. He died to show me the extent of His love. No one else, nothing else can compare to that. But yet my heart still strays. I still run away. And eventually I grow weary and just like the prodigal son I slowly journey back to the one who has forever loved me. I return to his embrace. I find love and grace there.
Ruin and restore. Ruin and restore. I must die in order that I may live. God has ruined my expectations, my selfish ways and the lies I have believed for so long. I’m now on my way to restoration- a full life in Him. A life of love.