(to read part one of this story click HERE)
In late August of 2003 I was driving out of Orange County and onto a new life in Northern California. I had high hopes and expectations. I remember telling God that I was ready to move on and accept a full life walking next to Him. What I wasn’t willing to deal with were all the emotions and pain that I had just tried to escape. I didn’t realize that I could not move forward in a healthy way until I went back and dealt with all the ugliness. It seemed easier to just bury it. For the next seven years I perfected the art of wearing a mask, being someone I truly wasn’t and all the while feeling that same longing for more. I didn’t share my voice. I didn’t say what I truly wanted or needed to…
Jump ahead to this past June. I had the unique opportunity to share my story with various people who had only known me for a few weeks or days. One heard my life story the night he met me! I saw God prompting me to share some of my fears and work through the emotions that I buried for so long. It amazes me that God uses strangers or casual acquaintances to ask the right questions and provide support in various ways. I’m blessed that a handful of these people, now 2 months later are like family to me. I pray they are in my life for years to come.
Over the past two months I have slowly recognized the lie that put me in this place- the one thing that has caused so much internal chaos. I was told that my voice didn’t matter. That it wasn’t important enough for anyone to hear. I allowed myself to be forced into silence. I had to name it but then I had to step back into that situation. God, was that difficult! I literally sat in my current kitchen pantry and wept. I needed to allow myself to experience all of the emotions that I felt years ago. I stopped trying to change the event and instead I came face to face with it and called out what it was…a lie.
Who I am, who God created me to be, has nothing to do with that day, that person or those emotions. I am a loved child of God.
And that’s enough for me. More than enough.