Re-discovering my voice: part one

“I am not the person that I once was.”

I am sure most of you can identify with this statement. The events of this week have been a powerful reminder of God’s power and what He can do in one person’s life.

In order to share all of the joy with you, I need to go back a little bit in my story and share some of the suffering in order for you to understand the significance of all of this.

Who I thought I was, who I’m sure I’ve portrayed to people over the past 7 years is a lie. I allowed one person, one situation, one lie to control me for nearly a decade. In order to respect other people’s privacy I won’t go into great detail or name names. But I can say this: In the summer of 2003 I found myself desperate for something more in life. I knew the place I was living, the dating relationship I was in, the people I surrounded myself with and even the church I was starting to attend were not healthy. I felt a deep longing for something more… Yet I couldn’t find the strength to leave my situation and fill my life back up with life-giving joy and purpose. I felt trapped.

One night that summer I locked myself into my kitchen pantry. I needed a place to hide, to feel safe from abuse (physically and emotionally), somewhere I could feel in control. I realized this week that (theoretically) for the next seven years I hid in that closet, afraid to come out and face my fears.

Seven years ago today, July 31st, I lost my voice. I was told it didn’t matter and wasn’t important enough to be heard. I lost all control…and I would stay in that place for years to come.

I had no idea what beauty would come out of the ashes of my life…

(to read part two of this story go here)


3 thoughts on “Re-discovering my voice: part one

  1. Kristin Smith says:

    Well, that made me cry. I am sorry that happened but so glad you are learning the truth. That your voice, the voice God gave you and built into you is so valuable. So many people need your voice. That is God’s plan, all of our voices are important. If your voice is missing then a part of His glory is also missing it seems to me…the fullness of His glory is less. I am glad that you are not in the pantry anymore.

    Love you Kara,

  2. […] After I finished my summer travels in 2002 I moved to Orange County, CA. I was directionless and searching for purpose. I quickly found myself in a group of people who were creative, fun and…destructive. Their behaviors and way of life were so radical and ever-changing. But I found something in common with these people: a love of dance, music and anything creative as well as things like fear, loss and pain. We all shared the need for love but were afraid to discover it. I met a man through this group of people. We were out at a salsa club and he asked me to dance. Looking back I wish I had never been there that night. Hindsight huh? God how my life would have been so different. I instantly attached myself to him. He was the type of person that lived life. Didn’t seem afraid of anything, adventurous and desired to take care of me. I thought I was safe with him. That quickly changed once I began to see him for who he truly was. He had a past full of drug abuse, manipulating women and running from his problems. To this day I’ve never met someone who could hide behind a mask as well as he did. For 11 painful months I stayed with him. I endured many forms of abuse and labeled myself as a victim. I felt trapped. And in the end I lost who I was. I lost my voice (to read more of that story go HERE) […]

  3. […] Re-discovering my voice: part two Posted: August 3, 2010 by Kara Maddox in Journals 1 (to read part one of this story click HERE) […]

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