[ Disclaimer: This post is all over the place. My thoughts have been random and there’s nothing that really sums it up. And I think this is just the beginning of something…]
Yesterday I found out I have cancer. Again. The emotional roller coaster you find yourself on after hearing such news can be, well, wild. I expected various emotions throughout the day. I only had one. I wasn’t sad or scared.
I was angry. Really, really angry.
It’s not about what’s fair in life. Or the mental and physical pain. The awkward silence from friends. Or even the realization that some people aren’t willing to stand by you in your sufferings. It’s that I realized that I had no idea who or what to be angry at. I needed to put a “face” to my anger. And then I looked in the mirror and found it.
Here’s part of what I journaled last night:
“I had someone tell me this morning that I should work through my anger and “get past it quickly”. Honestly, I don’t want to get past it. I have every reason to be mad. I’m not angry at God. He didn’t do this to me. I believe that He fully knows what has and will happen to us in this life. He can choose to intervene or not. I place no blame on him. I think I am angry at the disease itself. And mostly, I’m angry at myself. There are so many environmental, nutritional, stress factors that help cancer cells grow faster. Looking at my life, I can find various reasons that I brought this disease on myself. Am I really the one to blame? I was stupid to have missed my appointment a month ago. Now look where I’m at. (I stopped journaling and 30 minutes later picked up the pen again) I am angry at myself. WHAT I’m angry at myself about is wrong. That needs to change. But I need to explore this more…”
One of my top 5 favorite movies is Fight Club. My absolute favorite line from the entire movie is this: “Only after disaster can we be resurrected.”
Disaster often causes us to stop, take a long look around and figure out some things. 1. How did I get here? 2. Where was I headed? 3. What now?
Here’s the thing: cancer or no cancer, I would still be in this place. This place of desperate longing to understand something that I possibly won’t ever understand. God has me in the desert. A picture of the desert that He led the Israelites through keeps coming to mind. How did I get here? Where did I want to go instead of this place? Now what? I’m done with disaster and looking for the resurrection.
Here’s where I’m at today: What am I fighting against? It’s not God. Ultimately, it’s not disease. It’s me. I’m fighting myself.