This has been quite a year!! As I look back I am astonished that so much can happen in such a short amount of time. It’s been a year of great loss and great gain. It’s been a journey…one I am happy to continue on and am grateful to have you all walking alongside me. Thanks friends! Here are the top 11 posts from 2011:

Well the most viewed and most shared post of this year is hands down….my post during Lent about fasting from sex. Regardless of all the criticism and questioning I received, I still stand by my words, my story and my decision to share so transparently. Throughout Lent Jesus began to work on my heart in a new way. My search of living water awakened a new mindset this year.

When I wrote love heals I was worried how it would be perceived. But this encounter still gives me goosebumps!

I can still remember nervously typed out the words to describe the  21 hours in hell I experienced in solitude. I hope to never experience something similar but thankful that I took a new step in my healing.

goodbye to fear. hello to love was all about letting go of my controlling ways. It was the beginning of a huge breakthrough for me.

And how I could forget my year of dating woes? adventures in dating {momma’s boy} and adventures in dating {religious scare tactics} were two of my favorites and were the most shared by you!

I had the honor of sharing the stories of two friends and their honest journeys toward freedom and authenticity. no more mr. nice guy received immediate attention and still gets the most reads of any guest post. unmasked is the ongoing story of my friend’s struggle with vulnerability. I love her heart!

This year God invited me to heal. He invited me to move forward, to keep running. And that’s what I continue to do. I will continue to run,

to love,

to create,

to heal.

Here’s to a new year full of more memories, personal growth, gratitude and storytelling!

Be blessed friends,

Kara Helena

I sat nervously waiting. She’s late. Maybe she isn’t coming. Maybe this didn’t need to happen. I take a deep breath and say a short prayer for peace.

Moments later she appeared with a smile on her face. She hurriedly walked toward me and hugged me before I could protest. As we embraced, every part of my body screamed betrayal and hurt.

A flood of emotions hit me in that moment. This woman knew. She knew my pain. She knew my oppression. And she had known my oppressor because it was her son. I sat down and took a deep breath as I stared across the table at a woman, a mother. The mother of the man who had abused me nearly a decade ago.

She had asked to meet with me. I hesitated for weeks before finally saying yes. I believed this was going to be good for both of us in our journeys of healing. It has been a year now since that man’s guilt and shame led him to take his own life. I watched as she slowly spoke, words laced with pain and fear. This woman was grieving. She was grieving over the son she lost and for the man she wished he would have chosen to be.

I sat and listened for nearly an hour. I watched as tears rolled down her face. I witnessed her pain and anguish. I was speechless and damn near close to tears myself when we both stared at a photograph that brought a flood of memories back.

I watched, listened and silently prayed. I felt the presence of God in that moment.

And then it was my turn to speak.

I shared that much had been taken from me. I told several stories, in necessary detail, of the things I had endured at the hands of her son. For the first time this woman showed empathy towards me. Her heart began to soften. I showed her a faded scar. And then I began to describe who I am today. I am no longer a victim. I am not weak. I don’t even call myself a survivor.

But I am a woman of strength.

I have a voice. And its a LOUD one! I know my identity as a beloved child of God and I am unshakable in my belief that love knows no bounds and grace is endless. I have courage, determination and I live to share my voice in hopes that others will see the beautiful image of redemption and reconciliation that only Christ can create.

I am continually on a journey of  healing. I am living in wholeness. I am ALIVE.

I walked away from dinner that night determined to continue moving forward. The next morning I woke up and went running. I cried as I ran. But the tears were not brought out by sadness, but of  joy and hope. I picked up speed as I ran and had a smile on my face as I thought love has been reconciled.

That meeting, the shared meal between two people who have an entire history together full of pain and anger, that my friends is redemptive. It felt like communion. Breaking bread with a woman I didn’t want to show love to for many years… and yet God had called me to love her like He does!

I don’t understand it. But I trust it. Love is redemptive. Love heals. And love can reconcile even the most broken of situations and relationships. For that I am thankful.

The earth is the LORD’s, and everything in it,
the world, and all who live in it;

for he founded it on the seas
and established it on the waters.

Who may ascend the mountain of the LORD?
Who may stand in his holy place?

The one who has clean hands and a pure heart,
who does not trust in an idol
or swear by a false god.

They will receive blessing from the LORD
and vindication from God their Savior.

Such is the generation of those who seek him,
who seek your face, God of Jacob.

Lift up your heads, you gates;
be lifted up, you ancient doors,
that the King of glory may come in.

Who is this King of glory?
The LORD strong and mighty,
the LORD mighty in battle.

Lift up your heads, you gates;
lift them up, you ancient doors,
that the King of glory may come in.

Who is he, this King of glory?
The LORD Almighty—
he is the King of glory.

Never would have believed it till I felt it in my own heart
In the deepest part the healing came

And I cannot make it
And I cannot fake it
And I can’t afford it
But it’s mine

Something so amazing in a heart so dark and dim
When a wall falls down and the light comes in

And I cannot make it
And I cannot fake it
And I can’t afford it
But it’s mine

“Something changed”

This single phrase is one I’ve often heard lately. I arrived in my hometown of Houston two weeks ago and over and over people looked at me, pondered for a second and declared-

“Something changed.

You’re different.

You look healthier.

You seem happier.

You look ALIVE.”

And it’s true! My journey of healing is ongoing, but I have reached a point that I can look in the mirror and see a woman full of hope, trust and love. I am free to live as the creative, unique soul that God created. And there’s a lot of joy in that!!

With the changes in me, you may notice a shift in my blog posts in the future. I have no idea what this space will look like…but I pray it continues to be a place where I can dream, wrestle and share my voice. For now, I am continuing to rest, to move forward and dream BIG!

_

(lyrics by Sara Groves)

I know I can’t be a light unless I turn my face to you

Sara Groves “You Are The Sun”

]]> http://karabess.wordpress.com/2011/11/28/music-monday-27/feed/ 0 karabess 21 http://karabess.wordpress.com/2011/11/17/when-life-happens-blogging-doesnt/ http://karabess.wordpress.com/2011/11/17/when-life-happens-blogging-doesnt/#comments Thu, 17 Nov 2011 17:48:11 +0000 Kara Maddox http://karabess.wordpress.com/?p=3402 ]]> Over the last few weeks I haven’t had much to say here. I still write everyday but there was nothing I felt worth sharing. I woke up this morning determined to publish something so that frankly people don’t forget I’m here. And then it hit me.

I’m actually living so I don’t have to talk so much about what it might be like to truly live. The freedom I have recently experienced has been incredible. I have been slowly simplifying my life, using my creativity in new ways and finding opportunities to be vulnerable and take risks often.

Since I stopped consistently writing on my blog, a lot of life has happened…

I learned (again) that love knows no bounds. I know that I will go to the ends of the earth for my family and closest of friends. And I know they would do the same for me.

I am daily living as a woman confident of her faith, creativity, sexuality, goals and desires for the future.

I have been reminded that life is short. I won’t waste opportunities or experiences that are life giving for temporary things anymore.

I have experienced what true wrestling with my God is all about. I no longer fear sharing everything with Him.

Laughter really is the best medicine, folks. Trust me.

I tested and strengthened my belief in wholeness within a relationship with a man. I may have burned my list earlier this year, but I still have a few non negotiables and those things I refuse to compromise on.

Community is necessary. No one can live alone. We need each other, especially at the times we don’t want people around us.

I have seen deep healing. I can look back in awe of God slowly fulfilling that vision He gave me last year. The words “you will take part in other people’s deep healing” is already happening.

I’m not finished.

Not even close.

But I am thankful for where I am at, the life I am choosing to live.

A life that every day brings me a little closer to the Cross. To my Savior.

I’m after your heart. I am after you.

What is sung:

“Vere Sanctus es

Domine Fons omnis sanctitatis

Domine, Domine”

Translated from Latin to English:

“Truly you are holy

Lord, the fountain of all holiness

Lord, Lord”

Sanctitatis by Future of Forestry

“THOSE kids…those who live with wild abandon are no good. You should stay away from them. Don’t get close. If you fall into that crowd, you may never be rescued.”

It was 6th grade and the principal of my very conservative, very Republican, very Southern, private, Christian school was addressing the students at an assembly. To this day I can vividly remember the room, what he was wearing and looking around watching every eye of every student either roll in defiance or be filled with fear out of misguided obedience.

I remember the above statement. I lived those words every day for years.

Don’t be wild.

Don’t ask questions.

Stay away from those who don’t immediately follow the rules.

Wild abandon = sin.

I would be an outcast if I turned out like the defiant kids.

But they weren’t shunned necessarily because of their actions (although that didn’t help) They were dismissed because they asked questions. Those kids didn’t just take everything at face value. They wanted to know more. “Just because” or “because I said so” or “it says it in the Bible somewhere” weren’t good enough answers.

I constantly found myself wanting to be part of that crowd. The rebellious, no good, messed up, trouble making kids. I SO wanted to be one of them. I wanted to ask questions. But I was too afraid of what everyone would think and I liked playing by the rules. Playing it safe.

Until….one day I realized that playing it safe wasn’t really living. I wanted to LIVE. I wanted more. And the only way I could find to do that was to dive into life in a whole new way. To challenge the status quo. I became dangerous (sometimes this is a good thing and sometimes not so much…)  I started asking questions (too many some would say)  And I began to believe that it’s possible to live a life of wild (not reckless) abandon while still loving and following Christ.

Eight years since I made that choice I’m still learning. I’m still stuck some days between doing what I feel like God is calling me to do and what the world (and the church, religion, etc) says is “right.”

It was not until recently that I finally woke up confident of the woman God created me to be. I have lived every single day since comfortable in my own skin. Yes, I ask a lot of questions. I am honest and blunt to a fault. Maybe I love too deeply and don’t always know when to let go. I speak truth and give grace each and every time I’m prompted by the spirit because that’s what Jesus asks.

I am a woman who owns and expresses her sexuality, creativity, authenticity and uniqueness. And I’m unapologetic for it.

So I would challenge and encourage those who are sitting there waiting for an opportunity to break out of the shell that you were put in, TO LIVE. Do something right now, TODAY that expresses your unique heart and soul. You’ll never be the same. Know that it’s a process and not a one time deal. It takes practice. But if you jump in with both feet, I guarantee a fire will be lit within you that will give your heart a craving for more.

More life.

More wild abandon and freedom.

Young the Giant: Cough Syrup